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Collecting scars that don't seem to fade

Anxiety anxiety, you give me no mercy

For the past week or so I have been having anxiety attacks every single day. I feel like I am just white knuckling it to get through.

No one knows this. It is not externally obvious when this is happening to me and I haven’t told anyone for ??? reasons.

Yesterday I took one of my remaining two Ativan. Ativan that I have been hoarding since 2018, that is technically expired, but still works. And guess what! No more anxiety attack!

Here is a thing about my anxiety – I don’t take the Ativan, because I’m afraid I won’t be able to get anymore. Because it’s a controlled substance. But I’m so terrified of not having access to it anymore that I have to be close to nonfunctional to break down and actually take it – I’m not exactly in danger of addiction, I would say.

Also, every time I go to the doctor and she reviews my medications she asks if I want to leave it on the list. And she says, you haven’t needed this since 2018, but if we leave it on here then it will be easy for you to get it filled if you need it. So I say yes, please leave it on.

So yesterday, I went on the my patient portal and requested a refill. And today I got an alert that I had a message on said patient portal. So what happens? I panic! Oh no they’re going to deny it! Fuck!

…dear reader, the message just said “we’ve received your refill request and submitted it to your pharmacy, it should be ready within two business days.” Because it works exactly as my doctor told me it does – the medication is on my medical record as something I take, so she sent it in. Boom. Done.

I wish my brain would give me a break. But I’m thankful that when it won’t, I have access to medication to give it a shove in the right direction.

Too much momentum.
This room feels like it’s going to explode.
Too many angles.
Too many factors to cover.
Waiting for signal.
You’re searching for network.
You have to fight to stay in control of the situation.

Anxiety, Anxiety you give me no mercy.
Grind my teeth smooth and flat in my sleep.

Against Me! “Borne on the FM Waves of the Heart”

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